Wednesday night was a complete nightmare.
Mike texted me while I was at work to let me know he was golfing with a friend that night so he would be home late. No big deal, nothing out of the ordinary.
I had ordered a blanket, specifically for laying outside and a little metal windmill for my front yard out of a catalog and they had come in that day. I was feeling pretty good. The weather was nice, I was thinking I'd lay out on my blanket in the sun. Maybe bring the dog out, read my book. It was going to be a good night.
The day was long, work seemed to take forever, customers kept telling me how great the weather was. I was dying to get out. Once I got out I went home and started to assemble my windmill. One of the legs wasn't attaching properly, but I wasn't about to let it get me down. I was just going to shove it in the yard anyway.
While assembling my windmill I started to feel a little guilty. I'd been doing pretty good at working out regularly so I thought, "Ok I'll go for a quick run on the treadmill, get my daily 30 minutes in and then go lay outside." The plan was set. I did my time on the treadmill. I managed just a little over a mile and then walked a little. I showered and it was time. I set up my blanket outside, made sure my book and my phone were out there. Then I decided to see if the dog would lay out there with me. We don't let him loose outside because he runs around like a wild man with no regard for the road or anyone around him. So we have this yard stake that we put in the ground and attach his leash to so he can be where we are.
I had all my stuff set up and was feeling pretty good about life. The blanket was cool, but the dog wasn't really cooperating. He was running around in circles tangling me all up. He loves it outside so this was the greatest thing to happen to him this week. Unfortunately for him he has allergies. After a good 10 minutes he was sneezing and generally looking miserable.
Completely happy, but miserable.
So I took him back inside and got him some Benadryl. Poor kid.
On my way back outside I grabbed a water bottle, my sunglasses and the windmill. I thought now would be a good time to stab it in the yard. As I was heading out the door the dog totally rushed me. He blew past me out the door to freedom and left me eating his bad dog dust.
This is not the first time he has gotten loose. It happened a few times before. Usually my husband is home and together we can somehow get him to come back home. He is incredibly fast for a couch dog. He has no real cardio but will run until his heart bursts. I threw the windmill, water bottle, and sunglasses down in my entry way, grabbed the leash and ran after him.
It wasn't hard to guess where he was going, he always goes to the neighbors. He is in love with their dog, she does not reciprocate the feelings, though it never discourages him. He was running all around the neighbors house like a bat out of hell. Their dog was inside at the time and barking at him. Dexter couldn't seem to figure out where she was. He was over there a good 10 minutes with me yelling at him, running after him, pleading with him to come back. Finally I decided to walk away and ask him if he wanted to go back to the house.
I was surprised when this tactic worked. He totally followed me through the yard back to the house. He even started toward the door like he was going to go back inside with me.
Of course, it wasn't going to be that easy.
Just when I thought he was going to give up and come back inside he headed down the driveway, hung a right and started galloping towards town.
I'm in flip flops sprinting after him.
I can't say my cardio is very good either. I had just run a little over a mile and that is about all I've got. Now I'm on a dead sprint trying to catch my asshole dog before he gets hit by a car. Luckily he stuck to the ditch on his hot pursuit toward town.
He got distracted by the first house he came to. Apparently an older lady lives there. He started running all around her house, of course I still couldn't catch him. They have a little patch of woods in the back of their house and he ran back in there. Me chasing after him. Running around the woods in my flip flops. (It is a damn miracle but so far no poison ivy. I cannot believe it.)
After almost 10 minutes of chasing him around in their yard the woman who lives there comes outside to let her TEENY TINY black poodle out.
I shit you not this dog is smaller than Dexter's head.
Dexter looks scary but he's a big dumb teddy bear. The second that little thing was on the ground he was on it. Sniffing it, the hairs on the back of his neck were standing up. The little dog was barking, Dexter was scared. I'm apologizing to our neighbor, "I'm so sorry. He isn't aggressive. He has never been aggressive. Your little dog is safe," I kept trying to reassure her. She didn't seem to mind. She was a little bewildered at the scene. An out of breath girl in flip flops chasing a giant black dog all around her yard. I guess that would be a little bewildering.
I'm still trying to make a grab for Dexter but he is too smart and too fast. I kept trying to entice him, "Dexter, look at this little dog. Want to see the puppy? Look how cool it is!" Like that shit was going to work. Like I could bargain or reason with my dog. The neighbor must think I'm a nutcase. Dexter takes off again, makes a few more circles around her house, as he runs past us again in the front yard the lady says, "Does he sit?"
I give a hysterical laugh, "Yes, at home when he isn't being bad." I tell her as he runs into her front yard and takes a giant dump in the middle of it, hardly breaking his stride.
"Oh my god! I am so sorry. If I can ever catch him I will come back and clean that up!" I tell her, I'm mortified.
"Oh don't worry about it, I just hope he doesn't go in the road," she says, and abruptly, as if he can hear her Dexter runs past us both one final time and bolts for the road. With out another word I sprint after him. He heads down the ditch in the direction of our house. I'm hot on his heels as a burgundy Ford truck rolls up. It's a man about my parents age, he slows down and rolls down the window and says, "Dogs are worse than children!"
I'm in a dead sprint and I yell back, "I KNOW RIGHT?" He is still next to me. So I tell him, "I just live right here. I just need to get him back in my yard!"
"Oh! You live next to Gary and Shirley," he says. Everyone knows my neighbors. They've lived there for years and they are awesome people. When anyone finds out where we live this is the first thing they say.
"Yes, we're just right here next to Gary and Shirley." I choke as Dexter makes a sharp maneuver in front of the mans truck and heads straight across the road in front of another truck coming in the opposite direction.
With out another word I'm sprinting in front of two trucks. If they can't see my black dog they can at least see me. I'm white as a porcelain doll and wearing shorts and a tee shirt. You could see my legs glowing in the sunlight for miles. It works, neither of us die. The dog is back in our yard.
He is looking pretty rough. He has a leg that hurts him every once in awhile. Especially after walking a lot, he is limping on it and panting so hard I wonder if he is going to make it another step. Once we are in our front yard I yell at him, "Dexter, do you want a chip?" We call his rawhide chips just 'Chips'. He knows what I mean and I have piqued his interest. He's tired, he's sore, and he's listening.
"I'll get you a chip," I yell, slowly walking toward the door. "How about an ice cube? You want an ice cube?" I can see he is listening. He's following me, when I reach the door he is next to me. "Let's get that chip," I say and open the door.
Dexter willingly walks inside.
I have won.
The dog is in the house.
His dumb ass did not get a chip.
Once inside it was time to asses the damage. He was limping, he was panting so hard it was a little scary. First things first, he needed to cool down. I got a bunch of cold water and ice for his dish. I got the box fan from upstairs and brought it down and set it up. Then I got a cold cloth and wiped him down. At this point I wanted to cool him down, but he also went through two ditches and a woods. Who knows what he tracked through, dead things, poison ivy, whatever.
He hated it but after awhile I he seemed a little less likely to die.
I was so mad I couldn't hardly look at him. After getting him all set up I gated him out of the entry way.
Sticky with sweat I grab a couple of plastic grocery bags and head back toward the other neighbors. Dexter took a heaping dump in her front yard while we both watched in horror. I told her I'd come back and clean it up and I intended to do so.
The only problem was, once I was back in her yard I couldn't find it.
It's bad enough I was already creeping all around her house trying to catch my hellion dog, but now I'm creeping around her front yard with a trash bag trying unsuccessfully to find a shit pile.
I'm just trying to do a nice thing, and I can't even seem to get that right.
So then, I'm like, "I should tell her I'm just trying to find his shit."
I walk to the door I saw her first come out of and knock on it. No answer, so I look around and notice one vehicle is gone.
Thank God, maybe they left and they haven't spotted me trespassing a second time, trying to clean up my dog's mysteriously missing shit pile.
I am once again mortified, accept defeat, and head for home.
When I get home I go back into the house, I grab my since discarded sunglasses, water bottle and windmill and went back outside.
First stop, I went to go put the water bottle out by my blanket. I had just reached the blanket and a gust of wind came and spun the windmill.
The windmill spun so hard that the nut holding the windmill to the base flew off onto the ground and the spiny part of the windmill broke off. I was left standing there dumbfounded holding the base of a broken windmill wondering why.
WHY??
The windmill is a brownish bronze color. The nut was gone. It was basically dirt colored. I couldn't find it anywhere in the grass.
How is this happening? How is this my life?
After accepting defeat once again, I throw the windmill down onto the ground next to the blanket and lay down.
This day blows.
Only about a minute into wallowing in self pity I hear a car pull into my driveway.
You've got to be kidding me.
I sit up and it is the burgundy Ford truck from earlier. The man gets out and walks up to me, he's holding a piece of paper when he approaches.
He was just over at the neighbors, he tells me. Gary and Shirley told him we have the same electric company and he is running to be on the board of it. He's got an absentee ballot and he wants me to fill it out so I can vote for him in the election. He tells me he knows my mom. Of course he does, everyone does. She grew up in the area and works at the local library. I tell him I'll vote for him, fill out the absentee ballot slip and he is on his way.
I lay back down on my blanket and call my mom.
"Mom, you wont believe the day I've just had."
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